Can We Leave People Alone Now? Black Women + Interracial Dating

It has come to my attention that some people would look at me, check my relationship status and file me away in some ‘poor single black woman who can’t get a man’ dossier. Um.

How do I put this…

No one has ever said it out right to me. It’s more suggested, implied. Little comments here and there, questions from family and family-friends. Am I being too sensitive? Probably, but I ran out of fucks to give about that a long time ago.

Not that it’s any of body’s business, but I’ve dodged a lot of bullets. It’s something I am proud of, that ‘best thing I never had’ song by Bey is a little bit of an anthem for me. But the fact that I have had to dodge so many bullets has led me to stop and take a good look at what’s around me and who is around me.

Honestly… truly…

The way people think about dating and relationships is fucked up.

I would go through a list of ‘hows’ and ‘why’s, but… please see The Bachelor, Maury Povich, Millionaire Matchmaker. It seems to me that a lot of people pick partners with little more consideration than they use to pick pets.

The ironic thing about it is, those same people who would look at me and file me away prove my point about why I’m very careful with who I let in. They can continue to see me in that way, hopefully they’ll stay away from me so they don’t catch my single-ness germs.

I wouldn’t dare say I’m perfect. Maybe I can call it like I see it, so if I see fucked up people I’m probably fucked up too, right? This is why I say being single is a gift! Honestly! Being single gives me a chance to look in the mirror and clean up my own vibration, take the time to work on and be happy by myself instead of running away from shit by getting into some {another} messy relationship.

Yay, “Innerracial” Dating!

From what I can tell, we’ll be hung up one who is dating who for years to come. Here’s a quote from Lawrence Hill’s book, Black Berry, Sweet Juice: On Being Black and White in Canada.

For every one of us, there are probably many people we could love intimately, and who could love us. However, the simple fact is that many of us remain alone, some of us by choice, and some of us by virtue of having been left out… Over and over again in my interviews with black women and women of mixed race, I heard that many of them have indeed felt left out — particularly because of the tendency of some black men to choose white partners.

Just reading these statements, like in print in a book that was written by Canadian-Lit-Royalty really bothered me. This is how people think, I realized. Despite how I might feel about my dating life, we black women who are single (either by choice or by just being single) are perceived as the “left-out black girl” by capital-s-Society. Blech. Lawrence’s book was published in 2001, so I thought, maybe things have changed? Maybe people think differently now?

It took watching Funky Dineva Ross on YouTube talk about the exact same issue to understand we haven’t moved forward at all. For years, The Blogs were telling black women to start dating outside the race.

Now it seems that instead of just leaving people alone, some of us are still angry when black men date non-black women, but now when a black woman does it, she gets a ‘yaaaaaaaaaas, Qween!’.

Ok. Wait. Wayment. Waaaaait.

Can we go the other way and leave people alone now?

What’s the point of getting to a place where we can date and marry who we want without being arrested or killed if we’re just going to judge each other in the court of our minds?

We all have a right to be angry about whatever we want to be angry about. I just think getting upset at a man who decides that he’s “good enough to date white women” when he makes more than $250k per year says more about us than it does about him.

I’m not saying that mindset isn’t fucked up (please see above). I’m saying no one except for that man and his mother need take issue with how he thinks. I know there are some black people who still have that idea or some variation of it in their minds (and there are probably many variations of that idea). I feel sorry for them.

But that’s where my being bothered about them ends. I’m not going to fuck up my vibration because of how anyone decides to live their life, including a black man who doesn’t date black women. The man who thinks like that, those people who think like that, they are hurt. With that mindset, therapy is a better option than a wife or girlfriend. He or she simply hasn’t taken the time to Iyanla voicedo the work!/Iyanla voice.

Getting all vibrationally out of whack at an interracial couple who has made choices based on what you imagine they might be thinking, fucks up your day. Don’t do it.

Seeing honest, genuine love is completely different. It usually brings out a different reaction, hope, a sense of possibility. At least a smile.


So there’s the relationship stuff that’s flying around, all the advice and apps and reality shows and movies, and then there are people who refuse to listen to the noise and are learning how to be by themselves. They’ve taken ‘being single’ beyond living alone and not making plans on Friday night. They know being single is freedom, not frightening. But they’re open to being in a relationship when they’re ready.

My commitment to myself is about reconnecting with and to who I am. People can keep assuming what they will about me, that won’t change and I’m okay with that. As long as I’m committed to myself, I’m going to stay good. But to those people, I say thank you for your prayers ;).

P.S. Check out Patti Stanger talking to Abraham Hicks about this. I watched it a week ago and am still taking notes. Comment away, if you feel like it. ❤

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